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Wednesday, August 13, 2008
1:36 AM

This is my sad story

Blogged by.. nicryanlim @ 1:36 AM

This is My sad story:

I was once with a girl, HL. Really happy to have you and call you mine since 220207.
I knew i loved her alot...because i found her beautiful every single day i saw her, because if not for her i would have given up on my officership dream a long time ago, because she cared for me and knew what i liked to eat, knew what i was thinking, and i always wanted to spend every single minute of my weekend with her.
I knew she loved me alot...because she always cooked the spaghetti and potato soup i loved, because she looked after me when i had the fever, because she never gave up on loving me and forgave me even though i let her down more than once. Dear, i'm sorry.

Perharps i should start with how we started off. It was the start of '07, near the end of our poly studies. I was facing a major issue in school den, i nearly had to give up everything i worked so hard for, i couldn't tell anyone. HL was always there by my side..even though she didn't really know me much at that time. I always wondered why, but i realised it was simply because she really cared, tt's the type of girl she was. I confided in her, she always reassured me, I fell in love with this girl whose heart was made of gold, and had the prettiest biggest brown eyes i've ever seen. Haha..i rmb i always found myself looking at her, den whispering in her ear "ni wei shen mo zhen mo piao liang?" Till this day, i still do that. Haha.

On the eve of Valentine's day '07, i knew that there was no one else i wanted to spend that day with but her. I bought a bouquet of red roses, went to her block downstairs, and at 1155, i called her.."Hey..guess what, i'm under ur block..come down now?" Haha..she thought i was crazy at that point in time. I always nv knew what gave me the courage, perharps it was wanting her to only spend it with me and no one else? I still remember the exact words i said to her. By the time she came down it was precisely the stroke of midnight, the start of valentine's day. I said " The reason i came is because i really wanted to see you, will you..spend today with me and be my valentine?" Haha..at the point in time, i was so afriad she would say no...when she agreed, my heart was filled with joy. Later in that day, we had dinner at Mongolian buffet at clarke quay. And i gave her a locket bracelet, a locket engraved with the words "Nic love Huilin", because i wanted the locket to represent the love that i "stored" for her, and want to treasure. She gave me a harmonica that i alway said i wanted to learn how to play... At that time, we were still not together, but i knew that she was the one i wanted to be mine..

The one yr and 5 months we spent together were filled with trials and tribulations,but joy and happiness as well. Only she could have gave me the happiness i felt, and only i hope i did the same for her as well. We shared many memories together as a couple, going to thailand, she getting into NUS, our first year anniversary, her's and mine 21st bdae celebration, our sentosa siloso resort holiday, my commissioning. Perharps i didn't show that i loved her as much as i did, perharps i didn't hug her tightly enough, often enough, but dear, my love for you, is probably the strongest i ever felt for someone. I'm sorry i didn't do more. But i hope, and know that i always wanted to bring happiness to you, to make you feel like the happiest, luckiest woman, because that's how u make me feel..the happiest luckiest man to have you.

And then, there were certain changes in our lives. Till now, i can't put my finger on it. I made a decision that i regret, that was made because something happened that really disappointed and angered me, that i felt you could say sorry for once. I broke your heart...I can only imagine the hurt you felt. I didn't know that you were sorry, i didn't know how bad you felt and how much u loved me, till i read your blog... y didn't u explain to me. I read your blog too late, and you left me too.

Now, you are with another guy. You want me to let you be, to sort it out yourself. It seems you have changed so much that it hurts. Perharps, it is only fair. But is it really? I dun know. Y did something so small, meant that i lost you to another guy...Dear, how can the HL i know be so different towards me? The girl who always said she loved me, who wanted me to spend my weekends with her only, who cooked for me, and kissed me, and bought my favourite Bengawan Solo walnut bread for me, who can stand me, how can she jus give it all up? Perharps it is my fault..but have you thought for once, that you were in the wrong too......?

To my readers:
I don't know why i'm exposing my inner feelings like this so openly. Guess its apt that my blog is entitled "My inner soul", because i have to put up a facade, a facade to show my men that i am problem-free and a strong officer, a facade to my family that i am ok, a facade to my friends that nothing is affecting me. But all these, is just a facade. By posting this, it is not that i need my friends' consolation, friends' caring words..Its a reminder to myself, to force myself to not to message or call you, to force myself to not think of you, to force myself to not look at your photos and feel sad. Because i have to give you space to do the right thing.

To the one I've loved so deeply, and still continue to do so:
If there is one thing that you can do, it is: To not to give up on us...have that little bit of hope that we can still return to the loving relationship we shared for one and half years but lost because of one small thing. To wake up, and see the one who really loves you, and whom you love. I strongly believe you still have it somewhere in you, because i felt it every second, of every minute, of every hour, of the 1 yr 5 months we were together...

Your Dar Dear always,
Nicholas Lim

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